SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Married 35 years; both 62; 2 adult children; 5 adorable grandchildren age 6 and under. He’s successful professional. I’m former professional who became mom and volunteer.

Background: I’ve dealt with depression for many years, but still manage to get things done, some of them pretty impressive efforts for organizations. Also on antidepressants off and on for years, and consistently since 2012 after the close deaths of both my parents. Husband’s job changed dramatically when a new boss brought in a very destructive culture in 2010. I noticed that this change seemed to cause “impotence”. I once mentioned trying the blue pill, and he got kind of offended. Bottom line, we ended up sexless for 2012-18. Like friendly roommates with lots of shared history.

So, in late September this year, as I often do, I went on a cleaning spree a few days before we were to leave on a really nice vacation. Our sink areas are separated. I’m busy cleaning cabinets, opened his med cabinet to run dust cloth over shelves. Knocked down a pill bottle I couldn’t see (I’m short). So I got my step stool to put it back. Got a huge shock. Several prescription bottles for either Viagra or Cialis, dating back 4 years!!! These had NEVER been used with me. I could hear Dana Carvey as The Church Lady saying, “Well, isn’t that special!” I decided right then that I wouldn’t say anything, go enjoy this great trip, and deal with it when I got home. I counted all the pills and photographed the bottles. (A total of 100 tablets prescribed to vet the 4 years, and 55 are gone.)

Interestingly, he brought some pills on the trip and used them with me. I’ll just say, if he had used them years ago with me, we wouldn’t have been sexless!

Back at home, I started going through bank statements to see ATM withdrawals. Some red flags there, but not sure what they mean. Went to doctor, said I thought H might be cheating. Had full STI testing, including bloodwork. All results negative.

Noticed another pill gone when I went to visit friend one weekend in early November.

Have seen 3 lawyers to discuss options (big city, so easy to find good D lawyers. I will hire one this week, as well as a PI, because I’m going out of town again before Christmas to see my family. He has to work.

I’ve not confronted yet because I feel he will just get very defensive and probably say he uses them to masturbate.

But mainly, because I noticed that 3 of the prescriptions were obtained before he goes to industry meetings. There’s another one in February, and I want to get to the bottom of this.

I’m seeing an IC for my depression, so I am dealing with this discovery also.

BTW, no “usual” signs of A. No extra attention to appearance, or working late, etc. I have a feeling he may be paying for gratification, whether at strip clubs, massage parlors, or hookers. We are getting along well, and he has no idea I’m getting ducks in a row to confront.

Sorry for long post. I would appreciate any feedback, especially if you have experience with finding the magic pills.

Hi Special ... sorry you're here. Others will come along shortly with great advice. Good for you for waiting to confront!! What else do you have access to? Can you look on his computer (emails? search history - dating websites? searches for anything sexual?) What is his work environment like?

Welcome to SI, the club no one wants to join but extremely grateful to have people here 24/7,

I have no advice for you atm, I just wanted to let you know someone is thinking of you,

Your strength & courage shines through.

You've got a great handle on this. He is definitely using them with someone. And for 4 YEARS!?! While you were expected to remain celibate and just accept a crappy marriage!?! That's atrocious!

Get the PI and let him do his thing before serving him with D papers. You can still pick a lawyer and put a retainer down without moving forward with serving him yet. Once he gets served, he's probably not going to answer your questions and he will probably work on deleting his tracks any way he can so it will be harder for the PI to get info by that point. You could also put a VAR in his car or anywhere else he might be having secret conversations on the phone with an OW.

Oh, those little blue pills!!

On the day my X told me he had to divorce me(everything was my fault of course), I knew what he had done. But, it took 3 months to get the confession out of him.

One night, during that 3 months, he went out to a function. I had pretty much figured out it was someone in that group of people.

At some point, after he left, I went to put one of our dogs outside. I stepped off the last step, onto the front door landing. I stepped on something.

Turned on the light, and there was a little blue pill on the tile!

Trust me, there was no sex going on between us in those 3 months.

I waited until he was in bed later that night. I walked in, put the pill in his hand, and turned to walk out.

His reply was " I was putting that in my truck for later on, when we are divorced. It fell out of my pocket as I was putting my shoes on."

I told him I was not that stupid.

It was not funny at the time, but, now, 4 plus years later, it is one of the funnier moments of the shit storm.

Ohsospeacial

He could very well be tuned into porn, live sex shows, that kind of stuff? have you checked into his computer history?

Do more digging, you’ll find your answer.

I would just like to say - I am in awe of you! You’re handling this like a boss! It cannot be easy, but take it from a friend of mine who was completely blindsided by her husbands affair with a 19 yr old (he was 35) — when she used to want to blow up or confront him she would stop herself and vent to me and say— “I gotta be smart for my long game.” She was able to uncover massive evidence. I cannot imagine your pain but keep up the excellent work. I would definitely get concrete proof and lawyers will help you with what you’ll exactly need in your state. As well as you’ll want to be able to give people real proof, not just suspicions when this comes out. I’m sorry this is happening to you. People are rooting for you.

Something to consider. I'm pushing 80 and take Cialis for a benign enlarged prostate. This is one of the FDA suggested uses of Cialis if you read the prescribing info.

I’ve checked his main email, and nothing there, but of course, he could have one I don’t know about. He’s kind of anti-Big Brother, so has used DuckDuckGo for a long time, which means I can’t search history. Also doesn’t use location services on his phone, and it would be really obvious if I try to snag the phone.

I’m getting a GPS tracker to see if that shows anything. I’d like to have something concrete to give the PI.

The thought of porn and such definitely has crossed my mind. I know he has watched in the past, and wasn’t happy when I wasn’t pleased about the solo watching.

BTW, we first saw a MC 30 years ago due to severe in-law problems. His mother actually admitted to trying to break us up, even after we married and had children. H confronted his mom several times, but she persisted. I wasn’t the one she wanted him to marry. We saw this counselor off and on for years, both alone and together, to work on communication, and for me, depression. If he had a problem, he knew exactly where he could go.

Obviously, I trusted him and didn’t snoop. Four years....at least, since I’m sure there was some reason he decided he wanted the pills.

If I weren’t on my antidepressant, I’m sure I would have flown off the handle and confronted immediately. This way, I’m reading a lot on SI and a few other sources, and taking time to really process options based on what I eventually discover.

But I’m just wondering how much of this marriage has been a lie

Meers, thank you for your perspective. I keep trying to come up with an explanation that doesn’t involve our marriage. I did look up other uses, and none of those would seem to fit the apparent sporadic use. I hope he would tell me about a medical issue!

TfromNY. Thanks! I keep telling myself, BYT/BTC.

Bide your time/build the case. One of the lawyers I consulted said that if it weren’t for client confidentiality, he would want me to talk to some of his clients who aren’t willing or able to keep thinking rationally instead of just emotionally. LOL. Positive affirmation.

Hiring a PI is good idea. It’s quite possible this does not involve another actual person. When my dad had prostrate surgery, he bought an expensive pump in order to achieve erections. My mom told me (which is a whole other level of inappropriate, I realize) that they aren’t intimate anymore but that he needed to still have erections in order to feel like a man. Hopefully it is something like that, possibly paired with masturbation / porn. But trust that spidey sense and hire a PI to be sure. (((Hugs)))

I used a GPS tracker on his car. It took about a month but I found out when, for how long and which motel he was taking his AP to. I also found the bank he has his secret account at. You are smart and yes you will build your case...

Hats off to you! You are the epitome of “a woman scorned is better than a private investigator”

I can tell you the shock my H had when I informed on dday2 that I found out he was still I the Affair with the OW AND she spilled the beans and threw him under the bus.

He thought he could end it AND I wound never find out.

Dday2 he told me he wanted a D. I was stunned as three days prior he told our MC he wanted the marriage and me and he was fully committed to making amends.

So I snapped. Had enough. I was done! For 5 months I saved my $, had a great therapist and put my plan B in place. I had bank accounts in my own name, I had my own car in my name, I had a mediator lined up for the divorce process.

When I told him I was divorcing him (very calm and matter of fact) he was blindsided. He had no idea what hit him. When I told him he had to leave he refused. He thought he was still in control

If you do end up reconciling - get a post nup. I did and it financially protects me. Any $ in my name is not considered a marital asset.

Hats off to you!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:35 AM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

I'm pushing 80 and take Cialis for a benign enlarged prostate

My FIL, who is in his 70s now, I guess, has taken viagra ever since his prostate cancer treatment. That was probably 10+ years ago. There are always myriad of off label uses for medications. Dosing and how/when to take may be different depending on the condition being treated.

Why don't you just ask your H what's with the pills? He's obviously not really hiding them. They are in plain view, not covered up or relabeled.

I would not assume that a man is going to tell anyone about any medical condition he has. It's a bit surprising to me that he even went to the doctor.

OSS,

I am sorry you are here... but welcome..

I admire your strength and down right common sense.

I think the PI is a great idea. Especially as you are going away over xmas.

I would be surprised if your H has a medical condition that he didn't tell you about. Especially if he used the blue pill with you in September. Did you ask him anything at the time - like why now? when did you get these? Your suspicion that he is cheating is likely accurate. Trust your gut.

My WH switched doctors before he got a Viagra prescription. He didn't want me to know. Nor did he ever use them with me.

If he has a work phone, don't install any software on it, it could be a problem down the road. If it is a personal phone, go to town!

Cheaters are master liars, so watch, and if you are right, he has had years of lying to you and himself. And he's good.

Hugs...

Thanks for the responses. I’ll try to clarify why I’m waiting, and answer a few questions.

I also find it strange that he has multiple bottles (5 in all). He probably has no fear I would find them, since our bathroom is set up so I’m not in his sink/ med cabinet area except to get laundry and clean. The bottles are high up in the cabinet, and I didn’t see them until I got a step stool.

I’m very glad I made the discovery BEFORE the vacation, otherwise I might have made a comment about the awesome magic pills when we had fun on vacation. But I knew, and still know, if I mention it, he will quickly remove the evidence, and I won’t be able to track usage.

He didn’t need to go to the doctor....he is one. He picks up the prescriptions at a pharmacy we don’t use for our other meds. And I’m a pharmacist, though I haven’t worked as one in a long time. I am really good at counting pills

I saw my IC yesterday, and told her that in addition to wanting to get evidence he can’t refute, I am actually emotionally NOT READY to know the truth. I am working through different possibilities and what my reaction might be. I figure something has been going on for years, what’s another few months? Especially if I find out there’s some other doctor he’s banging at the medical conferences. Again, 3 of those 5 bottles I found were picked up right before those out of town meetings.

I’m not having an easy time, but I’m focusing on the holidays, and grieving that these are the last “normal” holidays we will have. He doesn’t know that. I’ll let him enjoy the family,

Big hug to you. It’s a traumatic life event, to be sure, and there isn’t any way around that. I think you’re wise to wait until you have confirmation but at the same time be careful with yourself holding this in. Try and detach from him and focus on yourself. Having said that, no one would blame you if you lost it and confronted. God knows almost all of us have. Stuffing this down can only be controlled for so long. Again, I’m sorry that you’re going through this but you sound grounded under the circumstances.

He didn’t need to go to the doctor....he is one. He picks up the prescriptions at a pharmacy we don’t use for our other meds. And I’m a pharmacist, though I haven’t worked as one in a long time. I am really good at counting pills

Ah, that adds a whole other layer.

((Hugs)) to you. I hope you can get this sorted soon.

Why would he have 5 bottles of the same thing? We have a gazillion script bottles of ibuprofen, but we're military. Anytime you gi to a military dictatorship for anything, they write you a script for ibuprofen. It's free, so might as well fill it.

ohsospecial,

I waited a full 3 months before confronting my H. I collected evidence like a champ then called a PI who told me I wouldn't get any more from him and that he'd hire me in a minute.

Do you have access to his cell phone bills? If he is seeing someone you will start to recognize a pattern of dates/times that they call each other.

Instead of a GPS, I "forgot" my phone in his car and retrieved it without his knowledge. If he had found it I would have said that I had been looking for it and it probably slipped out of my purse. On your own phone, you can then look at the location history to see where its been. Turn the ringer or vibration off of course.

That system works well if you think he's frequenting massage parlours as they usually choose the ones that are not within walking distance of their home or office. Often it is in neighborhoods that they or their friends do no frequent.

You alluded to the fact that the pills may be for porn. That is quite possible but the use of porn is cheating as well, especially if he is witholding sex from you for so many years and replacing it with a fantasy.

IT's also possible your H uses the services of escorts as well. Verify your account to see if there is any regularirty of withdrawls either by amoung, location of the ATM or day/time.

I understand why you are waiting. It's hard to do but well worth it. By the time I confronted my H, I had a binder of evidence. He still minimized and denied.

Good luck and keep us posted.